GRATITUDE

I woke up this morning showered with soft kisses.  “Good morning, my Willy.  My beautiful man,” she said as she touched her gentle lips to my chin, my cheeks, my nose, my eyes, and my lips.  And then, she watched me as I stretched like a baby waking from a nap.  I awoke this morning as I do every morning, to her soft caress, the smell of her perfume awakening my senses.  I am beyond grateful for the life I have created.  I wanted to share this gratitude with the world.  With all of you.  Even more so, I want to write this post to give life to the thoughts swirling around in my mind, to turn them into emotions so that they will cement in my being for the rest of eternity.

I am grateful for…

A wife who fills me with wonder every morning.
Her body that constantly reminds me of the miracles of existence.
My son, your kicks and movements and your pure spirit still connected with God.
Her belly.  I never knew a bump could be so breathtakingly beautiful.
My puppy, Peanut, and how she wiggles her entire body every time I walk into a room.
The way Peanut follows me wherever I go; how she can never be close enough to me.
The sadness I feel every morning when my Little leaves for work.
The excitement for when she returns.
This house and how we have created it to be a representation of our inner spirits.
The blooming fruit trees, especially the crab apple trees.  You are all magnificent.
My mother and father and how they ache for my happiness.
My sister and the way she looks at me.  Her eyes makes me believe in myself.
Getting down on my knees, bowing to my wife, as I listen to baby Willi.
This land, it’s energy, and all the spirits who protect us.
My friends who’s smiles make me feel like the wealthiest man I know.
Spring.
Her intense and unconditional love for me and who I have become.
Her understanding of my unorthodox views and how she guides my evolution.
God, angels, the universe, my ancestors, and all those who listen and answer my prayers.
Seeing past illusion.
Music that matches the high frequencies I emit.
Abundance, health, wealth, joy, peace, and freedom.
Love.
Our love.
Your love.
Our connection to all.
The way she looks at me when she comes home, like she has not seen me for years.
You and your smile and the time you took to read this.

The farther I travel down this path, the less I can explain how it is I am feeling to each of you.  It is rather incredible, the power of each moment.  Do you see it, feel it?  I bow to each of you, for each of you is a master with infinite knowledge.  You are all beautiful.  The beauty of life fills me so completely that tears become its only way of escape.  Let go.  Surrender.  And for the goodness of all, be grateful.

Today is a miracle.  Remember, you love more, the more you give.  Simple.

I love you.

To those whom I can’t see, hear me.

This post is me at my most vulnerable.

I have never understood the word, work.  Moreover, I have never understood the idea that we should enjoy working.  This, to me, has always been an illusion.

“Find something you love to do and you will never have to work a day in your life.”  I know the quote.  I know you know the quote.  But, how if your passion lies in dancing with your wife in the kitchen on rainy nights, making love at 11:00 am on a Tuesday, reading a beautiful book for three hours in the middle of the afternoon with a great cup of tea, smelling the fresh aroma of chocolate chip cookies rising from the oven?

Put a price on my time and that time becomes my prison.

I remember when I was younger, staring out over the green practice fields surrounding my school on a perfect spring day and asking myself over and over again, “What the heck am I doing in here?”  I have never had a job that I loved.  No matter what I gave to others, I was away from those people and things I loved the most.  I loved being a Peace Corps Volunteer, but I was not being paid.  Pay me to love her and I would be rich.  Pay me to be a reminder to stop and smell the flowers, and I could have retired years ago.

In my mind, I see older, more traditional men laughing at me.  “Did you get a job, yet?  You have responsibilities.  It is time to grow up.”  For the last twenty some years I have laughed back, mocking their ignorance.  Now, their laughs begin to defeat me, whispering new types of failure I have never known before.

“You are destined for great things, Will.”

“You will be a Giant in this world, Will.”

There is something more in all of this.  I cannot explain it, but I know most of this is illusion.  Who is the you watching you act?  That is what I am here to find.  I want to experience.  I want to love.  I want to go on adventures.  I want to cook for hours with my beautiful wife, drink one espresso for three hours while I watch the sunrise, dance, paint, write, create.  How if my passion is becoming a better me?

But, I have a child on the way, so I will prostrate myself to my delusions of grandeur.  I will choose to imprison myself, to look out at the trees swaying in the wind as I work on my endless paperwork, wishing I was somewhere with those whom I love the most.  And, maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to figure out how to have my wife and child with me as I “work”.  For now, I am kneeling.

None of it makes much sense.  Bachelor’s Degree from John Carroll University, Master’s Degree (4.0), Retired Peace Corps Volunteer, 52,000 words of my novel finished, and I am no closer to finding what it is I want to do with my life (I would love to write, but how can I make money in our new literary world).  Oh money, how I loathe you, but need you.  I thought by this time, something tangible would have presented itself to me; something that fit.

I will now go for a run.  I know, as I run, I will meditate on why it is I feel so low.  I will think about all of the choices that brought me here, to another uncertainty, to another prison.  And then, I will remember how I am already a man with great things.  I will remember, Monika, and how every single night she returns home from work to me.  How every single night she gives me every ounce of her love, unconditionally.  Maybe she will read this blog and make me some chocolate chip cookies so that I can watch her in the dusk light baking, and smell my favorite smell emanating from the kitchen.  She will come over to me and ask me if I have said hello to the baby and she will stand in front of me and gently place my forehead on her belly and I will say, “Hello, baby, I love you.”  And we will sit and dream of our endless possibilities in this lifetime and her beauty will fill my soul so that, until tomorrow when I search for jobs, yet again, I will feel like the luckiest man in the world.

If there is no future and there is no past, than this now is all we will ever have.  I am scared, but there is nothing to fear but fear itself.  For now, I am sitting in a beautiful house, with a little Peanut dog, magnificent music, and the rest of a day for me to create a new and better Self.

To those whom I can’t see, hear me.  Guide me, teach me, help me to find a path of freedom and unconditional love.  Let me be abundant in all things.

To the essence which is inside of me, awaken.  Take away my fear.  Help me to remember that all things will unfold just as they are meant to unfold.  Remind me of my power.  Remind me what is most important and never let me forget.  For though they can imprison my body, they will never imprison my spirit.

This is a Truth I have come to know…