Truth

A Post to My Unborn Son

Your mother loves having you in her belly. In fact, I find her in strange places around the house lying down on the carpet in order to feel you move. She giggles a lot as you move around. Her light shines through her smile as she laughs and places her hand on her stomach. Soon, you will better understand the light of which I write. She is an angel, my son. When you are older, you will share the honor of protecting her so that her goodness can spread throughout our world.

I am jealous of our mother because she has already formed a bond with you. Both of your souls dance together. This is why I have never found her more beautiful. Though, I am sure when you are born, somehow I will find her even more gorgeous with the wisdom that she gave birth to you, my son.

You will be different, Willy. This, I can promise. Because of this, I can also promise that your life will be difficult. However, you will come to understand this difficulty as a privilege given only to those who have the courage to face their inner demons and rise above their false egos. Also, people will think I am a bad father. They will believe this because I will not spoil you with gifts or allow you to be the center of attention when you have not earned it. “Good job,” will only be used when you have done something to deserve praise. You will be tough so that you can handle the darkness of our world, but you will be soft so that in this darkness you can bend, not break.

We will both teach you all about love, joy, freedom, and God. However, I will teach you to master your pain and rise above your suffering. This may make your resent me in some moments, but I know you will always respect me. I know this because I am creating myself into a man worthy of honor and respect. This, my son, comes with discipline, courage, and fortitude.

Society will not be your teacher. You will learn from the wind and rain. We will work to liberate the self so that you, myself, and your mother can find bliss in all moments. Your body is the temple in which your soul lives, so you will be strong and healthy and you will understand why we live disciplined lives. When you ask a question, I will tell you the truth. If you are old enough to ask the question, you are old enough to hear the answer. You will not grow in our image, but in your own. When you are old enough to choose what to believe, you will be free to travel that path.

True love has created you. We know you have chosen us as your parents, so we work diligently every day to become the parents you knew we could be. Everyday I tell your mother how beautiful she is and she smiles at me like someone who has touched God. Everyday she kisses me to wake me from my sleep and every night we kiss before we dream of you and your little, wiggly toes.

We are ready for you, son. When we made love, we called your name. You answered that call. Like the wind blowing through the leaves of the beech tree, you ever so lightly settled into the belly of an angel. She will now teach both of us how to know God. You are man by nature, my son, and God by the grace of God.

Your mother is sleeping right now. It is time to wake her from her nap. It is one of my favorite things to do, for when I wake her she looks at me as if she has not seen me for a hundred years and you know what she does next, she takes my hand and places it on her belly and she giggles as you move. Living, my son, is unimaginably beautiful. We can’t wait to share it with you…

GRATITUDE

I woke up this morning showered with soft kisses. “Good morning, my Willy. My beautiful man,” she said as she touched her gentle lips to my chin, my cheeks, my nose, my eyes, and my lips. And then, she watched me as I stretched like a baby waking from a nap. I awoke this morning as I do every morning, to her soft caress, the smell of her perfume awakening my senses. I am beyond grateful for the life I have created. I wanted to share this gratitude with the world. With all of you. Even more so, I want to write this post to give life to the thoughts swirling around in my mind, to turn them into emotions so that they will cement in my being for the rest of eternity.

I am grateful for…

A wife who fills me with wonder every morning.
Her body that constantly reminds me of the miracles of existence.
My son, your kicks and movements and your pure spirit still connected with God.
Her belly. I never knew a bump could be so breathtakingly beautiful.
My puppy, Peanut, and how she wiggles her entire body every time I walk into a room.
The way Peanut follows me wherever I go; how she can never be close enough to me.
The sadness I feel every morning when my Little leaves for work.
The excitement for when she returns.
This house and how we have created it to be a representation of our inner spirits.
The blooming fruit trees, especially the crab apple trees. You are all magnificent.
My mother and father and how they ache for my happiness.
My sister and the way she looks at me. Her eyes makes me believe in myself.
Getting down on my knees, bowing to my wife, as I listen to baby Willi.
This land, it’s energy, and all the spirits who protect us.
My friends who’s smiles make me feel like the wealthiest man I know.
Spring.
Her intense and unconditional love for me and who I have become.
Her understanding of my unorthodox views and how she guides my evolution.
God, angels, the universe, my ancestors, and all those who listen and answer my prayers.
Seeing past illusion.
Music that matches the high frequencies I emit.
Abundance, health, wealth, joy, peace, and freedom.
Love.
Our love.
Your love.
Our connection to all.
The way she looks at me when she comes home, like she has not seen me for years.
You and your smile and the time you took to read this.

The farther I travel down this path, the less I can explain how it is I am feeling to each of you. It is rather incredible, the power of each moment. Do you see it, feel it? I bow to each of you, for each of you is a master with infinite knowledge. You are all beautiful. The beauty of life fills me so completely that tears become its only way of escape. Let go. Surrender. And for the goodness of all, be grateful.

Today is a miracle. Remember, you love more, the more you give. Simple.

I love you.

Death – My Dear Friend

I have always claimed death walks beside me. For years, death has both fascinated and scared me. “I know I will die young,” I would say with a smug smirk on my face. Heidegger claimed that we are beings toward death and that if we accept the possibility of dying at any possible moment, only then will we truly live. In my past, I frequently used his words during deep metaphysical conversations with friends and family, but I have come to doubt if I understood the underlying current of his assertions.

“If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life – and only then will I be free to become myself.” Martin Heidegger

I have been watching myself evolve these past couple of months. One of the things I have noticed is how lately I have been placing my hand about a foot in front of my face when I have become entranced by the beauty of the scene before me. When my hand is there, I move it around like I am trying to sweep aside the air to open a different dimension and then, I focus on my hand and I ask, “What is this?”

It is strange, sure, but it is quickly becoming an unconscious reaction to this deep sense of illusion I feel with my body and my perceived reality. It is extremely difficult to explain. It is as if the beauty and love I feel runs so deep that the feeling of it becomes something less complex and moves to somewhere without language or thought, so I raise my hand in front of my eyes to remind me of ‘my’ presence. Do you understand or are you thinking, “Oh no, Will has finally gone off the deep end”?

Until recently, I have perceived death as an enemy. However, lately I have come to greet death as a friend. For if we understand death as a friend instead of an enemy, the present moment becomes a gift instead of just another moment when I am trying to move farther away from death. I think what Heidegger was trying to say is if we fear death, we will constantly live in the future, but if we accept death as a friend, we can live in the now.

I can’t explain it, here, though language. I can’t explain the beauty and connectedness I see in the sun beams blazing through the window in front of me or the colors in the prisms dancing on my walls. But, I can say there is more than the thoughts that label. It is deeper, truer. It is so real, it makes me question the reality of the hand that I hold in front of my face.

I rejoice in my effort that has brought me to this place in this moment. It has taken years to begin the journey out of my mind to an insanity of which I am proud. You, rejoice in every moment. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. Play. For, as Heidegger claims, the possibility of ceasing to exist (as we know it) is possible in any possible moment. So, love.

Just love, there is no higher purpose.

This is a truth I have come to know.

If it’s not about light, there really is no point…

I had an extremely enlightening experience a couple of weeks ago. It was an experience that will last. While moving through this experience, thoughts entered my heart from an inside source. It was talking to the me that thinks it is me. Giving wisdom.

One of the things “I” was told was, “If it is not about light, there really is no point.”

Two nights ago, Monika and I decided to rent the movie Hacksaw Ridge. It is a critically acclaimed film nominated for numerous Oscars. The synopsis of the movie seemed to be built around an honorable and brave hero. And, the beginning of the movie proved to stick to that idea. Then, the violence began. As a Mel Gibson film, I should have foreseen the gratuitous violence, but I did not. Suffice it to say, Monika and I decided to stop watching the movie.

As I watched man after man being dismembered, shot, roasted alive, or blown to pieces, an idea kept resurfacing in my mind, “If it is not about light, there really is no point.” The premise is a beautiful premise describing a story of a man that should be honored as a hero, though at what cost?

I have written about this idea a couple of times before in this blog, but I can’t stress enough how vital it is to fill our lives with love, peace, joy, and freedom. In the name of entertainment, we fill our hearts with violent, grisly images, unhappy circumstances, photographed hatred, sadness, suffering, and pain. We read books full of darkness, watch TV shows full of anxiety, and read Facebook news feeds full of hostility and misguided propaganda. Hatred only breeds more hatred. Anti-propaganda only fuels stronger reactions by the defending parties.

I keep getting pulled back into darkness by my ego in the name of entertaining the shadow formed by my illusory mind. No more.

Why do I watch these movies? I watch them because I am fearful. I need to see there is a hero vanquishing badness, standing up for goodness. With every bad person killed, so is my fear quieted. But, I have come to realize this as just another illusion. I think I am calming my fears, and momentarily, that may be. However, the images and words stay with me long after the movie has ended, making me desire another “Hero Movie” to lessen my angst. It is a self-perpetuated cycle.

So, the question remains, “What cycle will define your life, one of fear or of love?” What we choose to fill our lives with will ultimately shape our realities. I, for one, will listen to an entity much wiser than “myself” and I will live a life full of light, because if it is not about light, there really is no point.

This is a truth I have come to know.

My Baby Boy

Yesterday was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It was the day Monika and I were introduced to William Leonard Dunbar, V. We will call him Willi and he will be our baby boy.

Watching the screen in front of me during the ultrasound was a life-changing experience. For months, Monika and I thought we were having a little girl. In so many ways, I thought I wanted a little girl. “I want a little Monika running around our house!” I would say to people asking me what I thought was growing in my angel’s belly.

And then…

I saw him. And for a moment of complete clarity, I knew that this is what I had wanted all along, though I was too afraid to admit it. I will have a son. He will be formed in my image. He will, most likely, want to wrestle, build forts, and run in the woods. He will ask me questions when he is confused about his body. He will take great pride one day when I tell him he has become a man. I can see him. My heart is full.

The entire ride home from the doctor’s office, I could not talk or even open my mouth, for that matter. “My baby boy,” I would say or, “My son,” and I would begin to cry, cry, cry. To be perfectly honest, I cannot remember a time I have cried so much in one day. He will be a warrior for peace and love. He will be a leader and a philosopher king. He will love his mother and his future wife with all of his soul. He will know truth, not seek it. And so, it comes to pass, that I must be many of these things for to teach my son, I must be a mentor worthy of his unsoiled ears.

And if that were not enough, Monika was sitting with me through all of this. “You have our son in your little belly!” Cry. “You will take care of the both of us, won’t you?” Cry. And she would smile, with tears in her beautiful iridescent eyes and she would place my hands on her stomach and say, “Our son.” Our son will love her and he will know that he is the luckiest, most blessed child in all of the world, because I know, just as he will know, that she is the closest thing to pure love that we can touch, that we can kiss, that we can hug. And this realization was reflected in her eyes and in her soul through my endless tears. And everything else, all of the illusion, just faded away and we were left, three souls in our eternity.

William Leonard Dunbar, V, our son, our legacy, our love.

Behind the Shadow

Time is a memorial to our current situation. All we see is time before us and behind us. It is an aging process, like grey hair and stinky sweatshirts.

However, there is something more to time that we cannot see. It is a veil, that when lifted creates the ongoing eternity of now. Now, is when you are successful. Now, is when you are happy, joyful, content. We are the infants of every moment, for we are creating our selves with each decision. Each action defines us and our world.

I see so much aggression, opposition, hatred, tension, pressure, heartache. One side is for this, the other side, for that. It is polluting our airwaves and the frequency of our lives. When we react, our opposites must react even stronger to maintain equilibrium.

There is a gift in the space between future and past. You are forever right where you need to be. There is always time for love. Think about the frequency you are projecting onto this reality.

If you listen, you will find your answers. Sometimes, they are hiding behind the shadow. If the world is heavy, make it lighter. The symphony of the world is created with highs and lows and the mixing of these two extremes is beautiful.

We have become attached to our thoughts. Authentically feel. Let go. Travel behind your shadow to find that light which creates it… I believe in you. I believe in love as the savior of our world and as the savior of my self. I love you. I do.

I love all of you because all of you are me.

Freedom is the unmitigated connection of all things, all people, and all universes. Find your self in the smile of the world…

A Magical World

Have you ever been amazed by the inside of a cantaloupe, fig, or pomegranate? I, for one, have always been fascinated by the immense beauty of these fruits. They have always served as a reminder of the otherwise commonplace magic of our world.

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that a hummingbird flaps it’s wings an average of 50x/second? I cannot even fathom this speed. It is, in no other words, extraordinary.

I am not a fan of the idea generally held by the human race that magic is some supernatural force only observed in movies and read in books.

The definition of magic is as follows:
noun: the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces.
adjective: wonderful; exciting.

Every single day my life is influenced by wonderful and exciting mysterious events. Every single day I am enthralled with unnamed phenomena. The more I evolve, the more I understand that most of our world has yet to be eclipsed by scientific language. As it is defined, magic is happening all around us. We are the mysterious beings influencing our course of events. Nature is wonderful and exciting and unexplained.

The moment we stop seeing our world as magical is the moment we begin to die. Magic and wonder are what keep us young, animated, vigorous. Do not allow language to take away the miracle of your life. Do not allow others to negatively influence your opinion about what you know to be wonderful and exciting. Do not only focus your time on the explained. You know the truth. You only have to have the courage to let it manifest in your heart. Language is the prison where magic dies. Set magic free!

I joined Facebook today..

I know it is strange, but I am having a very hard time with the fact that I finally joined Facebook today.

In fact, I just sat here for a couple of minutes reading this opening sentence and pondered as to whether or not I should delete my account. Minutes later, I am still pondering…

There are so many things I absolutely loathe about Facebook. I hate the fact that everyone is on it 24/7. I hate the fact that if I travel into a crowded area, 75% of the people I see are swiping through their news feed as they eat, walk, or work. I hate that social media claims to bring our world together, but in fact, it is tearing our world apart. I even hate the picture I posted of myself. It screams, “I am a mountain man! I want freedom!” I hate that I picked that picture to portray that exact thing.

But…

I have to admit to myself sooner or later the world is changing. I have to believe that I will never become one of those people addicted to their cell phones. I must use Facebook to post ideas that are beautiful and full of love. I have to surrender to the fact that my profile picture is a picture that I cherish. It is a moment captured. My photographed spirit.

My dream is to become a writer and public speaker. In order to achieve that dream, I will have to learn how to navigate and market through social media.

My wife is how I measure my happiness. When she is smiling and living her dream, so am I smiling and living my dream. For, she is my dream. My wife wants to stay home with our child arriving approximately July 4th, 2017. And more than anything, I want her to stay home with our child. But, we need money in order for her to find that future happiness.

So, here I am, bowing down and surrendering to the confines of social media. You will not imprison me. I will continue to break down my ego as I post photos, ideas, and daily affirmations. Who I am on Facebook is not me, it is only a representation of the evolving man I am becoming.

I know, I know, it’s only Facebook, but not to me… not to me.

To those whom I can’t see, hear me.

This post is me at my most vulnerable.

I have never understood the word, work. Moreover, I have never understood the idea that we should enjoy working. This, to me, has always been an illusion.

“Find something you love to do and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I know the quote. I know you know the quote. But, how if your passion lies in dancing with your wife in the kitchen on rainy nights, making love at 11:00 am on a Tuesday, reading a beautiful book for three hours in the middle of the afternoon with a great cup of tea, smelling the fresh aroma of chocolate chip cookies rising from the oven?

Put a price on my time and that time becomes my prison.

I remember when I was younger, staring out over the green practice fields surrounding my school on a perfect spring day and asking myself over and over again, “What the heck am I doing in here?” I have never had a job that I loved. No matter what I gave to others, I was away from those people and things I loved the most. I loved being a Peace Corps Volunteer, but I was not being paid. Pay me to love her and I would be rich. Pay me to be a reminder to stop and smell the flowers, and I could have retired years ago.

In my mind, I see older, more traditional men laughing at me. “Did you get a job, yet? You have responsibilities. It is time to grow up.” For the last twenty some years I have laughed back, mocking their ignorance. Now, their laughs begin to defeat me, whispering new types of failure I have never known before.

“You are destined for great things, Will.”

“You will be a Giant in this world, Will.”

There is something more in all of this. I cannot explain it, but I know most of this is illusion. Who is the you watching you act? That is what I am here to find. I want to experience. I want to love. I want to go on adventures. I want to cook for hours with my beautiful wife, drink one espresso for three hours while I watch the sunrise, dance, paint, write, create. How if my passion is becoming a better me?

But, I have a child on the way, so I will prostrate myself to my delusions of grandeur. I will choose to imprison myself, to look out at the trees swaying in the wind as I work on my endless paperwork, wishing I was somewhere with those whom I love the most. And, maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to figure out how to have my wife and child with me as I “work”. For now, I am kneeling.

None of it makes much sense. Bachelor’s Degree from John Carroll University, Master’s Degree (4.0), Retired Peace Corps Volunteer, 52,000 words of my novel finished, and I am no closer to finding what it is I want to do with my life (I would love to write, but how can I make money in our new literary world). Oh money, how I loathe you, but need you. I thought by this time, something tangible would have presented itself to me; something that fit.

I will now go for a run. I know, as I run, I will meditate on why it is I feel so low. I will think about all of the choices that brought me here, to another uncertainty, to another prison. And then, I will remember how I am already a man with great things. I will remember, Monika, and how every single night she returns home from work to me. How every single night she gives me every ounce of her love, unconditionally. Maybe she will read this blog and make me some chocolate chip cookies so that I can watch her in the dusk light baking, and smell my favorite smell emanating from the kitchen. She will come over to me and ask me if I have said hello to the baby and she will stand in front of me and gently place my forehead on her belly and I will say, “Hello, baby, I love you.” And we will sit and dream of our endless possibilities in this lifetime and her beauty will fill my soul so that, until tomorrow when I search for jobs, yet again, I will feel like the luckiest man in the world.

If there is no future and there is no past, than this now is all we will ever have. I am scared, but there is nothing to fear but fear itself. For now, I am sitting in a beautiful house, with a little Peanut dog, magnificent music, and the rest of a day for me to create a new and better Self.

To those whom I can’t see, hear me. Guide me, teach me, help me to find a path of freedom and unconditional love. Let me be abundant in all things.

To the essence which is inside of me, awaken. Take away my fear. Help me to remember that all things will unfold just as they are meant to unfold. Remind me of my power. Remind me what is most important and never let me forget. For though they can imprison my body, they will never imprison my spirit.

This is a Truth I have come to know…

The Story of the Insane King

Have you heard the story of the Insane King? Well if not, let me tell it to you, for it is a story worth telling many times. I will make it short.

There is king high on a mountaintop. He is loved by all of his people. He is a Good king; a king that stands for virtue, for love. He is revered by all of his people. They even have a day to celebrate and honor the coming of their king.

His people surround this mountain, far below the king. One day, a poison enters the water of the people. The people drink this water and begin acting strangely. They are doing and saying things they usually would not do and say. They no longer think about what they believe, they only believe in it absentmindedly, because that is what everyone else believes. In no other words, the people become insane.

Being unaffected due to having his own water supply, the king watches his peoples behavior with both fascination and horror. And, the people, watch their king remain the same. The people watch the kings behavior and mark it as Bad. They start to abhor their king, calling him insane, weird, and ugly.

The king cannot understand why the people have changed so suddenly. So, finally, he dresses in common clothes and sneaks down the mountain to observe his subjects. It is a very hot day, so he stops at one of the common wells and drinks the water. That night, the people rejoice at the return of their king.

Have you seen the movie, Captain Fantastic? If you have not seen it, you should, it is wonderful! It is a story similar to the above parable. It tells the story of a man and woman attempting to raise their children ‘off the grid’. It shows how the regular population finds this ridiculous and insane, but you start to see that it is the regular population who is, in fact, ridiculous and, in many ways, insane. Sure, his way of life is extreme, and it has its many flaws, but it is a wonderful parable, nonetheless.

As I move closer and closer towards the birth of my child, I am noticing more and more how I want that child to be raised. I am observing our current society more acutely and I see much insanity. The scary thing about all of it is how sane it seems to most people.

(Here is where I started writing out examples of society’s insanity, but I decided to delete all of it. This will only create a more extreme viewpoint in the people who read these and do these things and must foster their beliefs in order to uphold these insane beliefs.)

I am not saying that people choose to be insane. I am saying that people choose to be ignorant and in their ignorance, they develop insane habits based on the collective norm. You have no idea the amount of times my wife and I have heard reactionary comments when attempting to educate others. Tell someone to watch a documentary about the ill effects of eating meat and they will say (with a smile), “Oh, I do not want to watch that because then I will have to stop eating meat, and I love meat!” Ask someone to please stop looking at their phone as you are talking to them and they look at you as if you are the asshole.

Okay, screw it, the real problem is this, call me cynical, but 98% of you who read this, no matter what I write, will justify your actions in order to uphold your egos and, therefore, change nothing. Most of you, in your eyes, do nothing wrong and this, this is insane.

The battle for ego supremacy is insane.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” Joseph Campbell

Let go and let love be your guide.